T-Minus Ten, Nine, Eight
by hippiechick2112
Summary: Klinger seems a little caught up with the news lately about going into space soon. Would this bit of news give him an idea to help him escape to Toledo? Or would his scheme be foiled again? Part four of "The Klinger Chronicles".


**T-Minus Ten, Nine, Eight…**

**Note and Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own the storylines and characters of M*A*S*H (as always), but the antics and silliness of Corporal Klinger are extremely amusing and some of them seem to be left to the imagination of the writers. Here's another one I thought up. Enjoy!**

* * *

It seems like I'm always so close, yet so far away from my goal.

Toledo is always too far away from this hell called Korea. I've been trying to get out of this Man's Army for so long now that it's getting tired. Dressing as a woman, flying out of the camp, swimming down the river, posing as a peddler and even sending a nice marriage proposal to Eisenhower didn't get me out. But, this time, I'm sure to get the ball rolling on my latest scheme, especially since I'm up for Radar's job soon and I don't like it already.

Well, other than being bad at my new job, everybody's been so fired up about space and what's beyond our Earth. Nobody's really been up there yet, just studying the stars and stuff. Then, they all think of rockets and capsules and all sorts of things that would make us see it all up close and come back alive. It's slowly becoming the biggest thing since those hula-hoop things I've found out about a while back. But, I know we're a few years off from being able to go that far.

So, a little bit of kitchen equipment there, a little of the Mess Tent food there, and viola! I'm getting myself a rocket built up from the ashes and off I run – back to Toledo! It's the perfect plan!

Of course, keeping the thing together and hidden is a little hard. Harder is trying to keep people from asking why I'm bringing old, moldy food to the back of the camp and shaping it in with the kitchen equipment, where the camp garbage is. I mean, this place is a garbage dump itself, but why is it now my chore to bring it back there, they ask? And why am I playing with it like that silly putty thing? Who knows?

It's the best Klinger Escape Plan ever!

However, I am so close…_so close_…to being done with my new-fangled rocket. I'm no great mechanic, but with Rizzo helping me unknowingly, I've got the brains to leave here before I become a company clerk. And that's final!

Soon, though, as I'm trying to do a test run and hoping to get out of Korea that time (matches in hand to start it up and a quick run to the cockpit later), there's Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt with Major Houlihan. While the two captains are trying hard not to laugh, Major Houlihan puts her hands on her hips. She looks angry.

As the captains laugh, I heard Major Houlihan yell, "Oh, Klinger, I thought that you were done with that stupidity! Don't you know better than to g AWOL?!"

Holding my matchbox in one hand and a lit one in my other hands, I stared at the woman who has made my life so miserable that I'd rather go back to Toledo in a box. Yes, that's right. I'd rather be dead and buried in Toledo than deal with her. At least I'd be home, sleeping peacefully.

"What's there to be done about?" Captain Hunnicutt asked, still laughing. "He's going UP into space…with each smelly pieces!"

"How did you know?" My plan had been foiled!

Hands at his sides, Captain Pierce added, "Rizzo likes to tell secrets…Oh, Klinger…"

"So, get that hideous thing out of this camp, this instant!" Major Houlihan looked adamant about my not escaping again. "Considering how many other escape attempts you've had, I'm being very lenient. Otherwise, Colonel Potter will have a full report if you don't stop this nonsense! You know what the MPs will do!"

I was getting pretty cross with her. "Well, Major, that won't be a problem if – oh, no…"

"Oh, no, what?" Captain Hunnicutt asked as he and Captain Pierce stopped laughing. He sounded pretty worried when I realized something…

My lit match disappeared from my hands and had somehow lit my rocket!

"Umm, gotta go now – got something to do with Radar –" I started, running. "Best get out of there, you three!"

Within seconds, the three officers knew what happened and were right behind me, running, and then –

_SPLAT!_

As the four of us jumped and hit the ground and covered our heads, the rocket – food and all – started up and then fell to the ground. Food and metal exploded and flew everywhere, even on us. Other people nearby even got some dessert with their lunch and coffee.

Dammit, another Klinger Escape Plan hit the dust. I seemed to be a good failure, at that.

"Klinger, you're in for this," Major Houlihan growled, food all over her.

And all the captains did was laugh drunkenly. There could be no other reply.


End file.
